Log in

{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
06 June 2015 @ 03:37 am
i am so so so angry at the world
and so frustrated at how things are
and i have no outlet for my rage

and i just can't deal with it.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
07 May 2015 @ 01:35 am
Trying to lead an authentic life.
That means figuring out what I want to DO for most of my week (what normal people call a "job").
I know:
I do not want to climb the corporate ladder.
I do not need to succumb to a hedonistic, materialistic lifestyle.
I do not need expensive dinners.
I do not need fancy clothes.
I do not need excess.

I do not need the city.

Realizing this, I think, has made it easier to know, I don't need to spend 40 hours slaving for a wage to buy unncessary things.
Let's be real, and it's something I figured out a long time ago: You are not any happier, sitting in a big house, with a nice car in the driveway, with perfect furniture, with debt on your credit card VS eating a pizza with your best friend in your simple, basic, but sweet and authentic apartment.

You are not your credit card bills.
You are not what you wear.

You are: what you love, how you love.
You are: helping others, loving others, and supporting others.

It's like a breath of fresh air. It's like breathing in the air at Echo Lake. Crisp, sweet, untouched.

SO this means... I need to have a lifestyle that is not excessive. Which means, I need to learn how to COOK and not be so obsessed with buying stupid clothes all the time.

I need to pay back my student loans, and figure out the bills I'll have when I move out.
I want to move to Washington, that's a fact. I wish I could take a handful of people but I know people lead their own lives, and sometimes you aren't a part of that plan.

But your friends make life so much better. I guess I could always make new ones.

Understand: poeple walk in and out of your life, at all sorts of times, and you need to know that sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes people teach you how to break and others teach you how to heal yourself. Or at least they keep you good company while you heal. Cuz honestly, laughter is the best medicine.

Focus on being a good person. Give back to the community. Heal instead of hurt. Love instead of hate.

These thoughts have been with me these past few months, as I transition from my old job, to a new job. I don't regret leaving my old job, it's just this new gig isn't as sweet as I'd hoped. I hope things pick up. I didn't get this one EMT job I applied to, but applying, I think I realized I don't want to be in 911. I'm a level-headed person but emergencies tend to shut me down. I'll apply to other companies, but... I hope I don't totallly suck at it.

Hopefully I can turn the chapter from this part of my life, and continue to learn, grow, and experience everything.

Just a stupid 3 day trip to the edge of California has made me wish I scheduled more nature time. I really...it's so theraputic. WA looks ALL like that, everyday, god what a beautiful city. And it makes me realize I don't need the city lights to fill the void inside. I mean, there isn't a void. There is ego, and that makes life all the more difficult. So I'm trying to be ego-less. Less me. There is no me, but a we. And if I can understand that, and treat ourselves as one, I think that kind of thinking opens up a lot of acceptance, and freedom to simply exist.

I unplugged from Snapchat and Facebook for the time being, but I'm still on tumblr and twitter and reddit. It's really hard for me to disconnect, and compare myself with others. And that's all facebook is. Humblebragging.
Well enough. I don't need it.

Goals for 2015:
Visit Portland.
Get decent hours (I think 2,000 is enough to live on, right now)
PA School or Medical School?????? I need to shadow some PA's/Physcians.
Spend more time with my best friend.
Actually make people who I love KNOW that I care about them, more than anything. I have trouble expressing this.
Stop being judgemental, or at least, hear people out instead of labeling them right away. Another bad habit.

We'll see how this year goes. 
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
18 April 2015 @ 06:25 am
I have no idea why I can't sleep recently.

I do it to myself. It isn't anxiety. It's me just... staying awake.
Internet addiction is real ya'll.

How long has it been? Are you still listening?
Why does typing on an iPhone keyboard suck so much? Do they still make blackberries?

these are the stupid thoughts that are floating in my head
is it normal to be scared of the future.
is it ok to be terrified for tomorrow?
why is everyone filled with ennui? ennui or anxiety. choose your poison.

I can feel the cold air and I see the pale blue light slip into my room.
I'm only comfortable when you're near.
I wish I could live in a warm cabin somewhere in Washington.

I wish I could afford the California coast. i feel like a failure. that's normal right?

is anyone listening ? is this microphone turned on? is the volume up?

not sure whether to stick with ABA or become an EMT. I'm pretty sure my back is gonna get thrown regardless.
I'm too smart to be here. I'm full of arrogance and discontent.

I am full of grace and beauty.

I wish I took more pictures. see this doesn't have to be a remorseful longing. Erika it's called open up your bag and snap the button. capture your world. because it's easier to be a watcher than a participator.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
24 July 2014 @ 08:50 pm
I just watched Mortified on Netflix. It was about people reading their OLD journals from when they were kids! Pretty fun. So I was inspired to come back to this dusty thing to take a peek. I'm a spaz, and I still am. Is that offensive? I never know what words are out and what words are in. Fuck..

So at this point in my life, I.... am figuring things out. I think I am constantly figuring things out.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, Alex, I've been dating for four years. He makes me very happy, and I feel so grand when he's around. I could go anywhere with him and I'd be happy.

I am taking EMT classes. I don't know if that' s agood choice or not, because why not just go to MEDICAL SCHOOL, right ? I can do it... right?
I need to take science classes to see if I have it in me. Last time I took Chemistry in college it KICKED MY ASS, but that was a class that weeded people out from the major. They're supposed to be harder classes to keep people who don't want to put in the energy from pursuing said major. It's dumb, if you think about it.

ANYWAY. Chemistry will always kick my ass, but I wonder if a tutor will help? Will I actually have to...GASP STUDY!@!???@ I haven't studied since high school.
College was 2 easy.

.... I am an ABA therapist in San Jose. That's going well so far. It's actually very enjoyable... I just don't think it's what my career is going to be. I want to work in medicine, and solve problems, and make people's lives a little more comfortable.

The bad (good?) part is that they get paid a lot of money. And Med school is at least 100k in loans.
FUCK. That's a lot of money. And I don't want to work in the Army...to pay it off...
I mean, considering my salary post residency, I should be able to pay it back...right?
What do I do in the meantime, going to med school? Do I take out loans for that?

I hate how fucking expensive education is. I understand, doctors get huge pay offs, but fuck. It's a tragedy. the US is not doing some things right. like. check out other countries. FREE EDUCATION> sure there are high taxes but YOU ARE INVESTING IN THE FUTURE OF YOUR COUNTRY.

dudes, my fingers hurt. i'll check back later.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
30 November 2013 @ 11:17 pm
i remember when all i needed to have a good time was a jones soda, a donut, and a best friend.

and hell, i won't lie. that's still all i need. i still have those empty days, but instead of a face, i talk to a glass screen.
and i'm tracing you inbetween all my thoughts, as you skate by and create figure eights, infinities, in my daydreams.

i've spent so long trying to figure out who i want to be, and not enough time being who i want to be.

i have a morbid fascination with hospitals and airports. the departures. the arrivals.

mostly i like the look upon people's faces. or pure happiness. or of pure anguish.

and i think that's when people are their most honest. maybe i could keep that forever, or maybe i should find more honest people in my life.

i spend all my time alone, unless i'm with you. and you make me smile so big. and i'm so glad i found you, because it's nice to have a soulmate by your side for a little while.

can we drive to the top of the hills and spit off the edge of the cliff?

can we hike through the tall forests of pine and redwood and smell the earth?

can we hold hands in a dark theatre and watch another's life play out in front of us?

yes, i think so.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
13 September 2012 @ 02:47 am
I'll miss Santa Cruz. So much. But I can't live here. I think? I mean not for the long-term. Not now.
I think I need Seattle. I need the Pacific Northwest, with a change of pace and a change of scenery.

I still really need to figure out what I want to do. Everyone's screaming that the economy is shit, new grads are fucked, and I'm just dwindling my fingers waiting for it to happen.
I know I'll have to take a few internships. Of course. I can be a grunt. I'd LOVE to be a grunt.
I'm just worried about money, and how much I should be making, how much would make me happy (???)

I'm worried who I can take in my pocket and who will just be a name on a phone screen.

I'll miss the hot dog stand on the Wharf during the summer. The way everyone looked like passive ants on the beach from my balcony. I'll miss the way the fog would roll in, and I'd lull myself to sleep with the lighthouse foghorn. I'll miss the dolphins I'd spot every so often. I'll miss campus, that beautiful fucking campus, with raindrops falling off the tops of redwoods. With deer tucked away in the forest, fleeing at the next freshman to trudge through its path. I'll miss waking up to the smell of wet trees.

I'll miss La Cabana, for their perfect fucking tacos. Surfrider for perfect hamburgers. Cafe Iveta for its delicious caramel lattes.

It's funny. There aren't any people here that I've really found. To be real, I am so kept to myself its ridiculous. Is that natural? Am I normal? Is there any hope?
Can I find some introverted job where I can help people but not like, ya know, talk to them?
This is the beginning of my life. I get to start over new. AGAIN.
It's so terrifying. But so comforting.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
Something about certain people's faces and mouths and the way they hold themselves makes want to throw up over and over again. Just drain myself of sympathy and empathy and feeling.

I just want to get out of here, move to another city and start brand new. Start fresh. Maybe reinvent myself and meet some people who will change me into a certain way.

All of my idols are free, intelligent, well-spoken and well-liked. I feel opposite.
I can't ever say what I want to say. Or I can't think of a good way to put it. I feel so listless here, and I don't know why.

Next year, I'll move in with some brand new people. I'll have a cute room to myself, filled with polaroids and photographs, posters and records. I can picture it all in my head, and all I have to do is find it.

Because I never step out of my comfort zone. Who am I kidding? No body.

And I need to kill my ego, because it is always holding me back. I have so much to learn, and experience. So much more love to give, and people to meet. Places to go.

I am so cowardly in everything I do. But it shouldn't be like that. We are young, beautiful and brave. Fearless. We can handle anything. As long as you have social support, a hobby you love doing, and work that makes you strong, you can do anything.

I just need to carry on, stop caring about what unimportant people think, about what unimportant people do with their lives, and establish a happy situation.
Almost there.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
21 August 2011 @ 02:21 pm
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
08 July 2011 @ 03:10 am
Currently, in-state students pay about
$11,124 in tuition
with the latest 8 percent increase. If the regents approve the 9.6 percent increase, tuition would go up to roughly $12,200. In the 2006-2007 school year, the last year that passed without a tuition increase, in-state students paid $6,141.

fuck u

feel like i'm going no where/doing nothing.

i should counteract that by being the most busy person. internship, volunteer, parttime job, i won't ever see anyone.

at least i'd feel worth something.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
29 June 2011 @ 04:04 am
UNITED KINGDOM Immersion—United Kingdom Universities Jr, Sr, Gr 2.85 Fall: $11,800-$16,000
Spring: $17,000-$20,100
Year: $28,500-$30,200

UNITED KINGDOM International Summer School, Pembroke/King's College,
Univ. of Cambridge
Jr, Sr 3.2 Summer: $12,000

UNITED KINGDOM International Summer School, Univ. of Sussex So, Jr, Sr 2.0 Summer: $9,700
UNITED KINGDOM Scottish Parliament Internship, UC Center Edinburgh Jr, Sr 3.0 Fall: TBD
Spring: TBD
UNITED KINGDOM UC London Bloomsbury Center So, Jr, Sr 2.0 Fall: $19,40


Imperial College London (year)
University of Bristol (spring, year)
University of East Anglia, Norwich (fall, spring, year)
University of Durham (year)
University of Edinburgh(year; fall-only for science and engineering)
University of Glasgow (fall, year)
University of Kent, Canterbury (fall, spring, year)
University of Leeds (spring, year)
King's College London (year)
Queen Mary, University of London (year)
University of Manchester (fall, year)
University of St. Andrews (fall, spring, year)
University of Sussex, Brighton (fall quarter, spring two-quarters, year)
University of Warwick, Coventry (fall quarter, spring two-quarters, year)
University of York (spring two-quarter, year)

*strong psych programs

Fall: September to mid-December
Spring: January to mid/late June
Year: September to late May or mid/late June

(i know that i'd spend way more money in england though, so I really want to get a job, save up some spending money, then go maybe in senior year.)