{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
30 November 2013 @ 11:17 pm
i remember when all i needed to have a good time was a jones soda, a donut, and a best friend.

and hell, i won't lie. that's still all i need. i still have those empty days, but instead of a face, i talk to a glass screen.
and i'm tracing you inbetween all my thoughts, as you skate by and create figure eights, infinities, in my daydreams.

i've spent so long trying to figure out who i want to be, and not enough time being who i want to be.

i have a morbid fascination with hospitals and airports. the departures. the arrivals.

mostly i like the look upon people's faces. or pure happiness. or of pure anguish.

and i think that's when people are their most honest. maybe i could keep that forever, or maybe i should find more honest people in my life.

i spend all my time alone, unless i'm with you. and you make me smile so big. and i'm so glad i found you, because it's nice to have a soulmate by your side for a little while.

can we drive to the top of the hills and spit off the edge of the cliff?

can we hike through the tall forests of pine and redwood and smell the earth?

can we hold hands in a dark theatre and watch another's life play out in front of us?

yes, i think so.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
13 September 2012 @ 02:47 am
I'll miss Santa Cruz. So much. But I can't live here. I think? I mean not for the long-term. Not now.
I think I need Seattle. I need the Pacific Northwest, with a change of pace and a change of scenery.

I still really need to figure out what I want to do. Everyone's screaming that the economy is shit, new grads are fucked, and I'm just dwindling my fingers waiting for it to happen.
I know I'll have to take a few internships. Of course. I can be a grunt. I'd LOVE to be a grunt.
I'm just worried about money, and how much I should be making, how much would make me happy (???)

I'm worried who I can take in my pocket and who will just be a name on a phone screen.

I'll miss the hot dog stand on the Wharf during the summer. The way everyone looked like passive ants on the beach from my balcony. I'll miss the way the fog would roll in, and I'd lull myself to sleep with the lighthouse foghorn. I'll miss the dolphins I'd spot every so often. I'll miss campus, that beautiful fucking campus, with raindrops falling off the tops of redwoods. With deer tucked away in the forest, fleeing at the next freshman to trudge through its path. I'll miss waking up to the smell of wet trees.

I'll miss La Cabana, for their perfect fucking tacos. Surfrider for perfect hamburgers. Cafe Iveta for its delicious caramel lattes.

It's funny. There aren't any people here that I've really found. To be real, I am so kept to myself its ridiculous. Is that natural? Am I normal? Is there any hope?
Can I find some introverted job where I can help people but not like, ya know, talk to them?
This is the beginning of my life. I get to start over new. AGAIN.
It's so terrifying. But so comforting.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
Something about certain people's faces and mouths and the way they hold themselves makes want to throw up over and over again. Just drain myself of sympathy and empathy and feeling.

I just want to get out of here, move to another city and start brand new. Start fresh. Maybe reinvent myself and meet some people who will change me into a certain way.

All of my idols are free, intelligent, well-spoken and well-liked. I feel opposite.
I can't ever say what I want to say. Or I can't think of a good way to put it. I feel so listless here, and I don't know why.

Next year, I'll move in with some brand new people. I'll have a cute room to myself, filled with polaroids and photographs, posters and records. I can picture it all in my head, and all I have to do is find it.

Because I never step out of my comfort zone. Who am I kidding? No body.

And I need to kill my ego, because it is always holding me back. I have so much to learn, and experience. So much more love to give, and people to meet. Places to go.

I am so cowardly in everything I do. But it shouldn't be like that. We are young, beautiful and brave. Fearless. We can handle anything. As long as you have social support, a hobby you love doing, and work that makes you strong, you can do anything.

I just need to carry on, stop caring about what unimportant people think, about what unimportant people do with their lives, and establish a happy situation.
Almost there.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
21 August 2011 @ 02:21 pm
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
08 July 2011 @ 03:10 am
Currently, in-state students pay about
$11,124 in tuition
with the latest 8 percent increase. If the regents approve the 9.6 percent increase, tuition would go up to roughly $12,200. In the 2006-2007 school year, the last year that passed without a tuition increase, in-state students paid $6,141.

fuck u

feel like i'm going no where/doing nothing.

i should counteract that by being the most busy person. internship, volunteer, parttime job, i won't ever see anyone.

at least i'd feel worth something.
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
29 June 2011 @ 04:04 am
UNITED KINGDOM Immersion—United Kingdom Universities Jr, Sr, Gr 2.85 Fall: $11,800-$16,000
Spring: $17,000-$20,100
Year: $28,500-$30,200

UNITED KINGDOM International Summer School, Pembroke/King's College,
Univ. of Cambridge
Jr, Sr 3.2 Summer: $12,000

UNITED KINGDOM International Summer School, Univ. of Sussex So, Jr, Sr 2.0 Summer: $9,700
UNITED KINGDOM Scottish Parliament Internship, UC Center Edinburgh Jr, Sr 3.0 Fall: TBD
Spring: TBD
UNITED KINGDOM UC London Bloomsbury Center So, Jr, Sr 2.0 Fall: $19,40


Imperial College London (year)
University of Bristol (spring, year)
University of East Anglia, Norwich (fall, spring, year)
University of Durham (year)
University of Edinburgh(year; fall-only for science and engineering)
University of Glasgow (fall, year)
University of Kent, Canterbury (fall, spring, year)
University of Leeds (spring, year)
King's College London (year)
Queen Mary, University of London (year)
University of Manchester (fall, year)
University of St. Andrews (fall, spring, year)
University of Sussex, Brighton (fall quarter, spring two-quarters, year)
University of Warwick, Coventry (fall quarter, spring two-quarters, year)
University of York (spring two-quarter, year)

*strong psych programs

Fall: September to mid-December
Spring: January to mid/late June
Year: September to late May or mid/late June

(i know that i'd spend way more money in england though, so I really want to get a job, save up some spending money, then go maybe in senior year.)
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
27 May 2011 @ 12:38 am

BAM. Just thought I'd brag about that. 13 page research paper on BDP and I am DONEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Hopefully that gives me an A+ in abnormal psych -_-
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
30 April 2011 @ 02:09 am
In the secular night you wander around
alone in your house. It's two-thirty.
Everyone has deserted you,
or this is your story;
you remember it from being sixteen,
when the others were out somewhere, having a good time,
or so you suspected,
and you had to baby-sit.
You took a large scoop of vanilla ice-cream
and filled up the glass with grapejuice
and ginger ale, and put on Glenn Miller
with his big-band sound,
and lit a cigarette and blew the smoke up the chimney,
and cried for a while because you were not dancing,
and then danced, by yourself, your mouth circled with purple.

Now, forty years later, things have changed,
and it's baby lima beans.
It's necessary to reserve a secret vice.
This is what comes from forgetting to eat
at the stated mealtimes. You simmer them carefully,
drain, add cream and pepper,
and amble up and down the stairs,
scooping them up with your fingers right out of the bowl,
talking to yourself out loud.
You'd be surprised if you got an answer,
but that part will come later.

There is so much silence between the words,
you say. You say, The sensed absence
of God and the sensed presence
amount to much the same thing,
only in reverse.
You say, I have too much white clothing.
You start to hum.
Several hundred years ago
this could have been mysticism
or heresy. It isn't now.
Outside there are sirens.
Someone's been run over.
The century grinds on.
Tags: ,
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
20 March 2011 @ 12:47 am
-VOLUNTEER! I seriously need to get my ass in gear with helping others/building my self-esteem/others self-esteem/effecting some change in the environment around me.
-Surfing/Cardio strength training/some rigorous activity to get my ass in gear and lose the 1510 pounds I gained with all that pasta eating. 1,500 CALS and exercise 3-4 times a week..
-Try to meet more people. I know how excruciatingly difficult this is for me, but seriously: you can do it. you can.
-Four classes? Maybe? Can I handle it?
-Consider a double major/or a minor in something.
-Think about internships/field study for next year.
-Graduate school - is it for me?
-"Make new friends, but keep the old: one is silver and the other's gold" Remember what all those cheesy childhood home videos taught you.
-Eat healthy! This goes along with the exercise but seriously: pasta only once a week, as well as soda. Treat yourself on the weekend, but don't go overboard! You are what you eat - you can be healthy and feel healthy. And do it in a healthy way!
-READ MORE DAMN BOOKS. Purchase an eBook reader?

Here's hopin.

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
{let your skin begin to blend itself with mine}
02 February 2011 @ 09:24 pm
You're in a dream, light, dark, color, black. The sheets are warm against your body and you are free.
The alarm clock buzzes. 10:04 A.M. "Ugggh, 5 more minut-..." and you're drifting back down. The black pillow bows under you: a surface fit for a queen. You stare at the back of your eyelids, expecting a light show or a revelation or something to pull you out of bed. "What do I have to do today? What do I ever do? What was I just dreaming about..." Losing consciousness, you chase your dream down the rabbit hole, to another dimension.
The sounds and voices you hear blur together in your head. Your roommate shifts in her sleep, and the walls of the apartment creak with the morning.
11:05 A.M. Buzz.
You jolt out of bed, damn itttttt. The air is cold and full of dust. Damn heater didn't come on again. Nothing works in this fucking place.
Scrambling with half-open eyes, you search the floor for socks, something to keep your body warm. Or at least a part of it. Stretching off your t-shirt, you find another one, preferably one you haven't worn this past week but you aren't picky. As long as it's clean. Ish.
You take a deep breath, the room full of sleep dust and fading dreams and nightmares. The fuzz of last night still pounds at your head but you try and ignore the pain.
Pull on a sweater and you're gone. Down the stairs. Out the door. The sharp sting of the cold morning air jolts you awake.
You hit auto-pilot.
Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: end of the night - smith westerns