Trying to lead an authentic life.
That means figuring out what I want to DO for most of my week (what normal people call a "job").
I do not want to climb the corporate ladder.
I do not need to succumb to a hedonistic, materialistic lifestyle.
I do not need expensive dinners.
I do not need fancy clothes.
I do not need excess.
I do not need the city.
Realizing this, I think, has made it easier to know, I don't need to spend 40 hours slaving for a wage to buy unncessary things.
Let's be real, and it's something I figured out a long time ago: You are not any happier, sitting in a big house, with a nice car in the driveway, with perfect furniture, with debt on your credit card VS eating a pizza with your best friend in your simple, basic, but sweet and authentic apartment.
You are not your credit card bills.
You are not what you wear.
You are: what you love, how you love.
You are: helping others, loving others, and supporting others.
It's like a breath of fresh air. It's like breathing in the air at Echo Lake. Crisp, sweet, untouched.
SO this means... I need to have a lifestyle that is not excessive. Which means, I need to learn how to COOK and not be so obsessed with buying stupid clothes all the time.
I need to pay back my student loans, and figure out the bills I'll have when I move out.
I want to move to Washington, that's a fact. I wish I could take a handful of people but I know people lead their own lives, and sometimes you aren't a part of that plan.
But your friends make life so much better. I guess I could always make new ones.
Understand: poeple walk in and out of your life, at all sorts of times, and you need to know that sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes people teach you how to break and others teach you how to heal yourself. Or at least they keep you good company while you heal. Cuz honestly, laughter is the best medicine.
Focus on being a good person. Give back to the community. Heal instead of hurt. Love instead of hate.
These thoughts have been with me these past few months, as I transition from my old job, to a new job. I don't regret leaving my old job, it's just this new gig isn't as sweet as I'd hoped. I hope things pick up. I didn't get this one EMT job I applied to, but applying, I think I realized I don't want to be in 911. I'm a level-headed person but emergencies tend to shut me down. I'll apply to other companies, but... I hope I don't totallly suck at it.
Hopefully I can turn the chapter from this part of my life, and continue to learn, grow, and experience everything.
Just a stupid 3 day trip to the edge of California has made me wish I scheduled more nature time. I really...it's so theraputic. WA looks ALL like that, everyday, god what a beautiful city. And it makes me realize I don't need the city lights to fill the void inside. I mean, there isn't a void. There is ego, and that makes life all the more difficult. So I'm trying to be ego-less. Less me. There is no me, but a we. And if I can understand that, and treat ourselves as one, I think that kind of thinking opens up a lot of acceptance, and freedom to simply exist.
I unplugged from Snapchat and Facebook for the time being, but I'm still on tumblr and twitter and reddit. It's really hard for me to disconnect, and compare myself with others. And that's all facebook is. Humblebragging.
Well enough. I don't need it.
Goals for 2015:
Get decent hours (I think 2,000 is enough to live on, right now)
PA School or Medical School?????? I need to shadow some PA's/Physcians.
Spend more time with my best friend.
Actually make people who I love KNOW that I care about them, more than anything. I have trouble expressing this.
Stop being judgemental, or at least, hear people out instead of labeling them right away. Another bad habit.
We'll see how this year goes.